Wow

Ok so My interest have been shifted I'm doing youtube. But I possibly won't do that for very long... I'm 65 days cut free.

I'm down in weight.... not really eating.

Not really caring.

Just surviving the only way i know how. Sarcasm fills my mouth instead of food.

NUT HUT!!

So on 10/24/11 at 9:30 pm I told my parents I wanted to kill myself, and I told them I had been cutting. I asked that they would take me to the hospital, because I wanted more help then they could give me. I had 550.5 pills I could take as well as my razors, and I was more than ready to use. I had 2 or 3 plans, all of them full proof, all of them with the result, my death. 

Once I got to the hospital ER I was put in a room that was 3 walls |_| and a sliding glass wall (that would be the top of the little picture) I was on suicide watch, and I had security out side my "window" all night. I joked around with them and made light of the situation for a while. 3:30 am hit and I was pacing around, freaking everyone out, and then I started getting super giggly. Making them crack up when I tried to hide behind the curtain. They could see my legs, but I thought I was the shit because I could hide. I finally fell asleep around 4am, very restless sleep, 4:30 am they woke me up and told me that there was a bed open for me in a psych ward and that I would be transferred in an hour. I was so out of it because I was 2 hours away from being up for 24 hours basically strait.

The ambulance came to get me at about 5 am. I cracked them up because I was so tired I was fascinated with the blue lights that where in the corner and that was all I was talking about the whole hour drive there. 

I arrived at CMC at about 6 am. I don't really remember being checked in or much of that day. I had a roommate but I didn't get a chance to meet her for 2 days (she got in 4 hours earlier then me). I remember that I didn't get to sleep till that night, I was up for 44 hours strait. I don't count that half an hour because it wasn't like actually sleep.

CMC is one of the highest rated lock-downs in the area. My day consisted of:

6:45 am - Vital check

7:20 am - Breakfast trys

Pills

9 - 10 am - Morning group, set goals for the day, talk about something random but important I guess.

10:30 - 11 am - Morning workout, sometimes it's from a video sometimes we go out side.

11:45 am - Lunch trays

1 pm - craft time

2:30 pm - afternoon discussion or educational video

3:30 pm - community group, get to know the new staff from shift change

4:30 pm - Dinner trays

5:30 - 7:30 pm - visiting hours

8 - 9 pm - night time group

pills

10 pm - tv gets turned to a relaxation video

10:30 pm - lounge gets locked up and tv off lights out.

Thats like a structured outline of a very loose schedule. But I did that for 2 weeks. We switched my meds, I met my roommate who is AMAZING and I love her lots. We got along so well!!! I met some awesome people. Made a couple of friends. Lots of laughs. Lots of tears. 

I'm really glad I went, the only down fall was not talking to kayla every second of every day. Not seeing my puppy. But Now I'm here and I'm alive. And hating this site for being dumb but thats whatever. 

Oh and I haven't cut since (10/21/11) just saying.

Sorry

I'm really sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. I've been really struggling.

This pretty much sums up how I feel, yes thats me, yes thats my pills. No I haven't taken them. And yes.... I have a ton more. Those where just the most colorful ones I have. 

I've been really suicidal lately, and It's really hard for me to just make it through the day, today was pretty good because I got my makeup done, it's pretty cool.

I think I'm going to quit writing this.

Because It's hard to keep up alot of things and my life, And well Liz, your the only one who reads this. Besides some who see it from DS.... but idk. 

So maybe i'll be back, but for now this is good bye loves!

<3 Corey

My Fucked Up Life

So it's been almost a whole month since i Blogged last. And thats because the following has happened:
1. I broke up with Justin.
2. I told my friend I didn't trust her anymore and she told me to go to hell, Tearing me apart in the process.(all on Face Book)
3. Her boyfriend tore me apart for like 3 hours though text. Guilting me back to Justin.
4. I went on a mission trip to standing rock reservation in South Dakota.
5. I started my IOP program.
6. I started cutting.

So thats the speed talk of whats gone on. It's kinda alot. And my life has gotten really busy all the sudden. So i'm not sure how often i can post any more
I love you all... The like 3 of you that read this.

Love Corey

I'm so.....

I'm super tired. Alot has happened and I haven't been on. I don't remember my last post and this on will probably be kinda short. Idk how much longer I can keep going with anything. I rarely sleep anymore.

But i got new drugs that i start tomorrow so maybe i can sleep.

oh and I broke up with my boyfriend on monday.

fuck my life. i feel like a horrible person. and I'm so upset about it ,but noooo i can't let anyone on because that would be sooo awful for me to do. UGH

I want to cut really bad, FUCK

i wish i could sleep. i really truly do.

It's been far too long

Sorry I haven't posted in a little while I have been busy with trying to keep busy. I've been struggling with my eating more so then ever. I am eating more, but I've been super urgy with self-harm, I slipped a couple times and burned. I know it's bad and I shouldn't have. But it didn't leave a mark. I decided that yesterday I was going to do my make up and take a couple new pictures. Because I haven't taken any pictures in a while. Any way. I'm trying to figure out if I should post them. Don't worry they aren't like nudy, they are fully clothed. But still. I have been creeped on before lol. And I'm not a fan of it. So if any of you have an opinion about it feel free to let me know. Haha.

I missed my therapy appointment today. My therapist texted me she was like "I'm guessing your not coming." We had a bit of a miscommunication problem. It kinda sucked. But I still have my emily program therapy appointment on thursday.

Guys I SUCK and journaling. I can't sit down and hand write in a journal about why I'm so upset. It's even hard to do it on here haha.

Any who, this weekend is going to be stressful. FML we are having a bunch of family to the cabin, that means for sure 10 people and 4 or 5 dogs. 2 big, 3 small.  Plus fireworks,  and 2 weddings. My mom is going to one and my dad is going to one, and my brother and I are staying at the cabin. Which means lots of eating. Lots of talking about my problem.... because thats how my family rolls. Sweet.

Well I have to go.
Until next time.
~*~*~ Love Corey ~*~*~

Long day

This has to be one of my favorite organizations. <3

Any ways.... Today has been one long day.

I had my doctors appointment follow up with the emily program. And they told me that I have something silly going on with my heart. But it's nothing to worry about.
Then I had my first therapy appointment with Emily Program. She was super nice. But somehow the intake therapist forgot to put in her notes that I'm there for an IOP program. So it was news to her, which I found to be kinda interesting that they just forgot to put something that important in there. And she told me that she wants me to journal a ton and bring it in next week. Which is fine. I'm just really bad at remembering to write things down. And I have to get this stupid thought out of my head that she will judge me if I tell her everything. Idk though.
I'm still on the waiting list for a dietitian, AND I just figured out that I'm also on the waiting list for the group. I didn't realize that the group has a waiting list. SERIOUSLY?!?! *sigh* well at least now I have a therapist who is actually trying to get somewhere with me instead of just letting me talk about why the sky is blue.

Oh and my dog Rocko went in for surgery this morning because his gums where growing over his teeth. And last time he was put under he almost died twice.

BUT HE'S OK!!!

Which is good. I can't wait till I can have him home.

Well my best friend is here. So have a nice night everyone

~*~*~ Love Corey ~*~*~

Ps. how do you answer comments. I feel really bad when I get a comment and I don't know how to answer it. Thanks bye!

Being a Nerd

So I am kind of a HUGE nerd. And I accept that part of me. And embrace it. lol

So I made a couple of lists on here. That show what I've read, what I'm reading, and what I plan on reading. I usually can get though 10 or 15 books in a summer. We'll see if I can do that this summer.

I've been super bored this weekend. And painting nails of everyone who will let me. (not too many people) and I did my own like 6 times. I ate quite a bit of food this weekend. And I'm struggling with being ok with that.

Well i'll be working on those lists for a while lol.

Off to finish my moms nails.

~*~*~ Love Corey ~*~*~

Watching TV

So while watching tv today this commercial came on. 

Ok now think about it for a second.... How eating disorder does this sound like?!

I mean she's doing that whole counting calories and deciding what she can and can't eat. How to make it ok to eat that. It's more like EDNOS than anything. Kinda like the story of my life right now. Its what i do all the time.

This video, to me anyway, is another way how media is effecting the way we think about being thin.

I get that there are tons of people who are over weight... but there are to many people who are suffering from EDs. When can we find the happy medium in the world?

For some reason this video just bothers the hell out of me.

Any way I'm bored out of my skull today. I made all of my appointments today. I now have two therapists, a doctor, a psychiatrist, and will be getting a dietitian. Once i get the dietitian I will have a group therapist as well.

Thats a ton of people. I get to meet my second therapist on friday. After I have my follow up appointment with the doctor. I got blood drawn and a heart thingy.

I have a wicked bruise from getting my blood drawn. lol It's actually kinda epic. I bruise like a peach.

I learned today that painting my nails is the most annoying thing in the whole world!! it's so fun but i shake so bad and so i can't paint my left hand for shit. And then since my hands are always cold the paint cracks.

So that kinda failed. but it was worth it.

Have a nice rest of the week!!

~*~*~ Love Corey ~*~*~

Stress levels

So this whole week starting last saturday has been really stressful for me. Mainly because starting last saturday my family started celebrating my birthday. I had to go out to eat 5 times this week. And I couldn't say no to anything... I'm to nice... And it's not like i ate everything.. But it was WAY to much for me. I broke down a bunch of times. And I went on this site (www.dailystrength.org) I use the eating disorder group among other. But it's really nice to get to hear people talk about how to cope with their ED's and they told me that it's ok to celebrate because I can go back to how I was next week.

Which I plan on restricting a little because I need that otherwise other bad things will happen... And I can't do those. But it's ok because i'm getting help.. I am only on the wait list for a dietitian now. I have a therapist :) which is good.

Can i be happy that this week i've lost 4 pound? if i've eaten more? is that ok or is that still my ED?

Idk but oh well. I had the most amazing weekend with my boyfriend. Aside from all of the eating i did. We went to a Twins game. And they kicked ASS!! it was amazing. I had tons of fun. I love him so much. He game me the most gorgeous necklace it's the second one he's given me... real diamonds again. he spoils me. It's NUTS! lol.  I can't believe we made it to 2 years!!

So all day since i've been trying to get back on track with healthy food and such i've been struggling with the planning out my meals and counting calories and mentally deciding if i only eat half the chicken  sandwich. Then I can have a small scoop of ice cream and some candied nuts. (mmm)

It's how it's been all week. like 10 X worse than usual. And it's usually really really bad.. Its getting so annoying and out of hand. I hate it so much...

Sorry i'm kinda downer tonight. I just watched my boyfriend drive away... :'( It's the WORST part of a long distance relationship.

Well have a good night.

And watch the tony's lol it's funny

~*~*~ Love Corey ~*~*~

Dinner

So I've been put to the task of making dinner all next week... or at least a couple of times. I need low calorie recipes. because I get so over freaked out over food. More so when I make it my self.

And then I can eat more of it.

Well I'm making a very short blog because I'm tired and I am on a mission to find something my whole family will eat. And so will I.

So I will post what I find :) but for now have a nice night.

Where have you been all my life?!

So Yesterday I was shopping for food. Because we ran out of safe foods. And cheese. And I really wanted Chicken.  And I came across the oatmeal section. I've never had oatmeal before. I know that we have some in my kitchen. But I've never tried it. So when my mom got home. I had her help me make it. Because it was original. And she knows how to flavor it and stuff.

I was really good. haha I'm surprised that I've never had it before. I'm a really picky eater. Always have been. And my boyfriend was making fun of me because I was so excited about it.

I was thinking about what else to write last night when I was trying to sleep. I realized that I forgot to mention more about me.

So here I go. I turn 19 soon as in like June 10th. I have a boyfriend he's 21. we've been dating 2 years on the 5th of june. And I love him so much. He's been so supportive though out this whole thing (meaning my depression and eating disorder). He's alway here for me when I need him we are in a long distance relationship. He lives two and a half hours away. I get to see him once a month. It's not nearly enough. But we get by.

I was going to school for Hospitality Tourism and Restaurant Management. I would like to own my own diner. Home cooked food. Like grandmas cooking. Comfort food. I would love for it to be a place I could run a soup kitchen out of once every month. Or couple of months. A safe place in the community for kids to come and do their home work and get  a warm meal.

I dropped out at the end of my first semester of my freshman year. I couldn't keep my self safe, or alive. I know if I stayed I would be anorexic not EDNOS. Or not here at all. I took two online classes. Oh man... Online is so hard!! It's so disciplined, and I'm so not.

I don't plan on going back next year. But I do plan on going back the year after. I want to keep going with college. I just need a year to get my life straitened out. I just couldn't make the decision to go back when every one wanted me to. But It's ok because I might need that time to continue with the program I'm in.

I have a brother he's 16, he's really struggling with school and I'm pretty sure this summer is going to be hell for him. My dad is taking all of his privileges if he doesn't get his grades up. He's really a good kid. He just needs to find his priorities.

My mom and dad have been married for 25 years. And are the best parents in the world. My dad is now a cancer survivor!! It was set in stone this year ( after 5 years of being cancer free you can call yourself a survivor).

Hmm I think thats about all I have to say about me:).

Staying at my cabin for the weekend. Means lots of time in the kitchen making food. I love cooking. I wish I just loved eating it as much.

~*~*~ Love Corey ~*~*~

Recipes for low calories.

So I have yet to try any of these. But I found them and they look good.

~*~ Deserts ~*~

Bev's Chocolate Chip Cookies- 99 calories.

http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes/bevs_chocolate_chip_cookies.html


Chocolate Covered Brownie Bites- 38 calories per bite.

http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes/.html

~*~ Dinners ~*~

Chile Con Queso- 84 calories per 1/4 cup.

http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes/chile_con_queso.html

Mini Greek Pizza Muffins- 39 calories for 2.

http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes/mini_greek_pizza_muffins.html

I will let you know when I try them all I'm very excited about them. I hope you like them.

It's sad I am still talking to no one... oh well. 

~*~*~ Lots of Love Corey ~*~*~

A day in the life of ME

So a normal day for me is:

Wake up at 9- 9:30 Am.

Eat breakfast and take meds. ( I like a poached egg, low calories, and a piece of toast. keeps me full longer and it's low cals so i don't pass out)

Sit in front of the tv for a little while.
Some times I color (like legit with shading and depth and stuff. I like to think I'm pretty good)
Some times I play Sims 3 (in love with this game)

If I have to eat lunch I eat a couple carrots or an apple.

Do some excersize even if it's just running up and down my stairs for a while.

Some times i'll watch tv with my daddy, or a movie.
I was doing online school for a while and that just ended.
Some times I plan dinner. or clean my house

I have dinner (i can't ever get out of it because my family eats dinner together every night)

I do some more stairs and go watch some tv with my family.

Then bed at like when ever I can actually ever fall asleep,

That would be a typical no appointment day. I usually have 3 or 4 appointments in a week.

And on weekends i'm at my cabin.

So with all the food that I eat over the course of the day. I can't tell you how many calories because I am not allowed to count. But it's usually under 1000. I'm still a healthy weight. But eating disorders are a mental problem. So that wasn't writing that my thoughts are controlled by weight, food, and calories.


I think i might post some low calorie recipies later today. Because I have a HUGE sweet tooth and I found some under 100 calorie deserts and things.

~*~*~ Love Corey ~*~*~

Getting to know me post.

Good afternoon Everyone,

I know no one fallows me. But I can still pretend.

I created this blog because I wanted to share my struggle with my eating disorder. And just kinda put my thoughts in order. Hopefully.

I guess you could say I have some issues. But I don't like labels, I don't like being pushed into a section  and said you have this problem so you have to be acting like that.

Eating Disorders are complicated and confusing. I don't get a ton of support from my family. I do from my mom but not from my dad. But it's what ever I'm getting help for me Eating Disorder.

For now I think thats it. I would like to apologize in advance for the spelling errors, and/or confusing posts. I'm not always in the best state of mind. It happens. It's life.


Any way thats me. If you ever have a question feel free to ask...

~*~*~ love Corey~*~*~