I'm so.....

I'm super tired. Alot has happened and I haven't been on. I don't remember my last post and this on will probably be kinda short. Idk how much longer I can keep going with anything. I rarely sleep anymore.

But i got new drugs that i start tomorrow so maybe i can sleep.

oh and I broke up with my boyfriend on monday.

fuck my life. i feel like a horrible person. and I'm so upset about it ,but noooo i can't let anyone on because that would be sooo awful for me to do. UGH

I want to cut really bad, FUCK

i wish i could sleep. i really truly do.

It's been far too long

Sorry I haven't posted in a little while I have been busy with trying to keep busy. I've been struggling with my eating more so then ever. I am eating more, but I've been super urgy with self-harm, I slipped a couple times and burned. I know it's bad and I shouldn't have. But it didn't leave a mark. I decided that yesterday I was going to do my make up and take a couple new pictures. Because I haven't taken any pictures in a while. Any way. I'm trying to figure out if I should post them. Don't worry they aren't like nudy, they are fully clothed. But still. I have been creeped on before lol. And I'm not a fan of it. So if any of you have an opinion about it feel free to let me know. Haha.

I missed my therapy appointment today. My therapist texted me she was like "I'm guessing your not coming." We had a bit of a miscommunication problem. It kinda sucked. But I still have my emily program therapy appointment on thursday.

Guys I SUCK and journaling. I can't sit down and hand write in a journal about why I'm so upset. It's even hard to do it on here haha.

Any who, this weekend is going to be stressful. FML we are having a bunch of family to the cabin, that means for sure 10 people and 4 or 5 dogs. 2 big, 3 small.  Plus fireworks,  and 2 weddings. My mom is going to one and my dad is going to one, and my brother and I are staying at the cabin. Which means lots of eating. Lots of talking about my problem.... because thats how my family rolls. Sweet.

Well I have to go.
Until next time.
~*~*~ Love Corey ~*~*~

Long day

This has to be one of my favorite organizations. <3

Any ways.... Today has been one long day.

I had my doctors appointment follow up with the emily program. And they told me that I have something silly going on with my heart. But it's nothing to worry about.
Then I had my first therapy appointment with Emily Program. She was super nice. But somehow the intake therapist forgot to put in her notes that I'm there for an IOP program. So it was news to her, which I found to be kinda interesting that they just forgot to put something that important in there. And she told me that she wants me to journal a ton and bring it in next week. Which is fine. I'm just really bad at remembering to write things down. And I have to get this stupid thought out of my head that she will judge me if I tell her everything. Idk though.
I'm still on the waiting list for a dietitian, AND I just figured out that I'm also on the waiting list for the group. I didn't realize that the group has a waiting list. SERIOUSLY?!?! *sigh* well at least now I have a therapist who is actually trying to get somewhere with me instead of just letting me talk about why the sky is blue.

Oh and my dog Rocko went in for surgery this morning because his gums where growing over his teeth. And last time he was put under he almost died twice.

BUT HE'S OK!!!

Which is good. I can't wait till I can have him home.

Well my best friend is here. So have a nice night everyone

~*~*~ Love Corey ~*~*~

Ps. how do you answer comments. I feel really bad when I get a comment and I don't know how to answer it. Thanks bye!

Being a Nerd

So I am kind of a HUGE nerd. And I accept that part of me. And embrace it. lol

So I made a couple of lists on here. That show what I've read, what I'm reading, and what I plan on reading. I usually can get though 10 or 15 books in a summer. We'll see if I can do that this summer.

I've been super bored this weekend. And painting nails of everyone who will let me. (not too many people) and I did my own like 6 times. I ate quite a bit of food this weekend. And I'm struggling with being ok with that.

Well i'll be working on those lists for a while lol.

Off to finish my moms nails.

~*~*~ Love Corey ~*~*~

Watching TV

So while watching tv today this commercial came on. 

Ok now think about it for a second.... How eating disorder does this sound like?!

I mean she's doing that whole counting calories and deciding what she can and can't eat. How to make it ok to eat that. It's more like EDNOS than anything. Kinda like the story of my life right now. Its what i do all the time.

This video, to me anyway, is another way how media is effecting the way we think about being thin.

I get that there are tons of people who are over weight... but there are to many people who are suffering from EDs. When can we find the happy medium in the world?

For some reason this video just bothers the hell out of me.

Any way I'm bored out of my skull today. I made all of my appointments today. I now have two therapists, a doctor, a psychiatrist, and will be getting a dietitian. Once i get the dietitian I will have a group therapist as well.

Thats a ton of people. I get to meet my second therapist on friday. After I have my follow up appointment with the doctor. I got blood drawn and a heart thingy.

I have a wicked bruise from getting my blood drawn. lol It's actually kinda epic. I bruise like a peach.

I learned today that painting my nails is the most annoying thing in the whole world!! it's so fun but i shake so bad and so i can't paint my left hand for shit. And then since my hands are always cold the paint cracks.

So that kinda failed. but it was worth it.

Have a nice rest of the week!!

~*~*~ Love Corey ~*~*~

Stress levels

So this whole week starting last saturday has been really stressful for me. Mainly because starting last saturday my family started celebrating my birthday. I had to go out to eat 5 times this week. And I couldn't say no to anything... I'm to nice... And it's not like i ate everything.. But it was WAY to much for me. I broke down a bunch of times. And I went on this site (www.dailystrength.org) I use the eating disorder group among other. But it's really nice to get to hear people talk about how to cope with their ED's and they told me that it's ok to celebrate because I can go back to how I was next week.

Which I plan on restricting a little because I need that otherwise other bad things will happen... And I can't do those. But it's ok because i'm getting help.. I am only on the wait list for a dietitian now. I have a therapist :) which is good.

Can i be happy that this week i've lost 4 pound? if i've eaten more? is that ok or is that still my ED?

Idk but oh well. I had the most amazing weekend with my boyfriend. Aside from all of the eating i did. We went to a Twins game. And they kicked ASS!! it was amazing. I had tons of fun. I love him so much. He game me the most gorgeous necklace it's the second one he's given me... real diamonds again. he spoils me. It's NUTS! lol.  I can't believe we made it to 2 years!!

So all day since i've been trying to get back on track with healthy food and such i've been struggling with the planning out my meals and counting calories and mentally deciding if i only eat half the chicken  sandwich. Then I can have a small scoop of ice cream and some candied nuts. (mmm)

It's how it's been all week. like 10 X worse than usual. And it's usually really really bad.. Its getting so annoying and out of hand. I hate it so much...

Sorry i'm kinda downer tonight. I just watched my boyfriend drive away... :'( It's the WORST part of a long distance relationship.

Well have a good night.

And watch the tony's lol it's funny

~*~*~ Love Corey ~*~*~

Dinner

So I've been put to the task of making dinner all next week... or at least a couple of times. I need low calorie recipes. because I get so over freaked out over food. More so when I make it my self.

And then I can eat more of it.

Well I'm making a very short blog because I'm tired and I am on a mission to find something my whole family will eat. And so will I.

So I will post what I find :) but for now have a nice night.