Wow

Ok so My interest have been shifted I'm doing youtube. But I possibly won't do that for very long... I'm 65 days cut free.

I'm down in weight.... not really eating.

Not really caring.

Just surviving the only way i know how. Sarcasm fills my mouth instead of food.

NUT HUT!!

So on 10/24/11 at 9:30 pm I told my parents I wanted to kill myself, and I told them I had been cutting. I asked that they would take me to the hospital, because I wanted more help then they could give me. I had 550.5 pills I could take as well as my razors, and I was more than ready to use. I had 2 or 3 plans, all of them full proof, all of them with the result, my death. 

Once I got to the hospital ER I was put in a room that was 3 walls |_| and a sliding glass wall (that would be the top of the little picture) I was on suicide watch, and I had security out side my "window" all night. I joked around with them and made light of the situation for a while. 3:30 am hit and I was pacing around, freaking everyone out, and then I started getting super giggly. Making them crack up when I tried to hide behind the curtain. They could see my legs, but I thought I was the shit because I could hide. I finally fell asleep around 4am, very restless sleep, 4:30 am they woke me up and told me that there was a bed open for me in a psych ward and that I would be transferred in an hour. I was so out of it because I was 2 hours away from being up for 24 hours basically strait.

The ambulance came to get me at about 5 am. I cracked them up because I was so tired I was fascinated with the blue lights that where in the corner and that was all I was talking about the whole hour drive there. 

I arrived at CMC at about 6 am. I don't really remember being checked in or much of that day. I had a roommate but I didn't get a chance to meet her for 2 days (she got in 4 hours earlier then me). I remember that I didn't get to sleep till that night, I was up for 44 hours strait. I don't count that half an hour because it wasn't like actually sleep.

CMC is one of the highest rated lock-downs in the area. My day consisted of:

6:45 am - Vital check

7:20 am - Breakfast trys

Pills

9 - 10 am - Morning group, set goals for the day, talk about something random but important I guess.

10:30 - 11 am - Morning workout, sometimes it's from a video sometimes we go out side.

11:45 am - Lunch trays

1 pm - craft time

2:30 pm - afternoon discussion or educational video

3:30 pm - community group, get to know the new staff from shift change

4:30 pm - Dinner trays

5:30 - 7:30 pm - visiting hours

8 - 9 pm - night time group

pills

10 pm - tv gets turned to a relaxation video

10:30 pm - lounge gets locked up and tv off lights out.

Thats like a structured outline of a very loose schedule. But I did that for 2 weeks. We switched my meds, I met my roommate who is AMAZING and I love her lots. We got along so well!!! I met some awesome people. Made a couple of friends. Lots of laughs. Lots of tears. 

I'm really glad I went, the only down fall was not talking to kayla every second of every day. Not seeing my puppy. But Now I'm here and I'm alive. And hating this site for being dumb but thats whatever. 

Oh and I haven't cut since (10/21/11) just saying.

Sorry

I'm really sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. I've been really struggling.

This pretty much sums up how I feel, yes thats me, yes thats my pills. No I haven't taken them. And yes.... I have a ton more. Those where just the most colorful ones I have. 

I've been really suicidal lately, and It's really hard for me to just make it through the day, today was pretty good because I got my makeup done, it's pretty cool.

I think I'm going to quit writing this.

Because It's hard to keep up alot of things and my life, And well Liz, your the only one who reads this. Besides some who see it from DS.... but idk. 

So maybe i'll be back, but for now this is good bye loves!

<3 Corey

My Fucked Up Life

So it's been almost a whole month since i Blogged last. And thats because the following has happened:
1. I broke up with Justin.
2. I told my friend I didn't trust her anymore and she told me to go to hell, Tearing me apart in the process.(all on Face Book)
3. Her boyfriend tore me apart for like 3 hours though text. Guilting me back to Justin.
4. I went on a mission trip to standing rock reservation in South Dakota.
5. I started my IOP program.
6. I started cutting.

So thats the speed talk of whats gone on. It's kinda alot. And my life has gotten really busy all the sudden. So i'm not sure how often i can post any more
I love you all... The like 3 of you that read this.

Love Corey

I'm so.....

I'm super tired. Alot has happened and I haven't been on. I don't remember my last post and this on will probably be kinda short. Idk how much longer I can keep going with anything. I rarely sleep anymore.

But i got new drugs that i start tomorrow so maybe i can sleep.

oh and I broke up with my boyfriend on monday.

fuck my life. i feel like a horrible person. and I'm so upset about it ,but noooo i can't let anyone on because that would be sooo awful for me to do. UGH

I want to cut really bad, FUCK

i wish i could sleep. i really truly do.

It's been far too long

Sorry I haven't posted in a little while I have been busy with trying to keep busy. I've been struggling with my eating more so then ever. I am eating more, but I've been super urgy with self-harm, I slipped a couple times and burned. I know it's bad and I shouldn't have. But it didn't leave a mark. I decided that yesterday I was going to do my make up and take a couple new pictures. Because I haven't taken any pictures in a while. Any way. I'm trying to figure out if I should post them. Don't worry they aren't like nudy, they are fully clothed. But still. I have been creeped on before lol. And I'm not a fan of it. So if any of you have an opinion about it feel free to let me know. Haha.

I missed my therapy appointment today. My therapist texted me she was like "I'm guessing your not coming." We had a bit of a miscommunication problem. It kinda sucked. But I still have my emily program therapy appointment on thursday.

Guys I SUCK and journaling. I can't sit down and hand write in a journal about why I'm so upset. It's even hard to do it on here haha.

Any who, this weekend is going to be stressful. FML we are having a bunch of family to the cabin, that means for sure 10 people and 4 or 5 dogs. 2 big, 3 small.  Plus fireworks,  and 2 weddings. My mom is going to one and my dad is going to one, and my brother and I are staying at the cabin. Which means lots of eating. Lots of talking about my problem.... because thats how my family rolls. Sweet.

Well I have to go.
Until next time.
~*~*~ Love Corey ~*~*~

Long day

This has to be one of my favorite organizations. <3

Any ways.... Today has been one long day.

I had my doctors appointment follow up with the emily program. And they told me that I have something silly going on with my heart. But it's nothing to worry about.
Then I had my first therapy appointment with Emily Program. She was super nice. But somehow the intake therapist forgot to put in her notes that I'm there for an IOP program. So it was news to her, which I found to be kinda interesting that they just forgot to put something that important in there. And she told me that she wants me to journal a ton and bring it in next week. Which is fine. I'm just really bad at remembering to write things down. And I have to get this stupid thought out of my head that she will judge me if I tell her everything. Idk though.
I'm still on the waiting list for a dietitian, AND I just figured out that I'm also on the waiting list for the group. I didn't realize that the group has a waiting list. SERIOUSLY?!?! *sigh* well at least now I have a therapist who is actually trying to get somewhere with me instead of just letting me talk about why the sky is blue.

Oh and my dog Rocko went in for surgery this morning because his gums where growing over his teeth. And last time he was put under he almost died twice.

BUT HE'S OK!!!

Which is good. I can't wait till I can have him home.

Well my best friend is here. So have a nice night everyone

~*~*~ Love Corey ~*~*~

Ps. how do you answer comments. I feel really bad when I get a comment and I don't know how to answer it. Thanks bye!